Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Children and Vibrators

So, you know what's fun? The sudden, horrifically painful onset of multiple infections! YAY!

I am stuck at home, bored out of my mind and in horrible pain due to an infection in both of my kidneys, and so I'm going to try to entertain you with my boring lack of a life. HOORAY!
Though what the hell I'm going to write about is completely beyond me.

I KNOW. I'll talk about some of my babysitting excursions. Here's my favorite.

So, the boy I babysit, J, has his own Xbox upstairs in his room. Normally, he keeps himself pretty well entertained with Halo and COD, but every now and then, he gets sick of killing mindless soldiers and wants to cap some bitches in GTA. When I'm at their house, I usually plop myself down in front of their giant flat screen in the living room and entertain myself with hot particle physicists like Brian Cox in high def.

Now, because I thought he was playing Halo, I had pretty much tuned him out.

That was my mistake.

Because I tuned him out, I didn't hear him go into his mother's room. I didn't hear him rummage through her things. What I did hear was him at the top of the stairs saying, "Hey Emily, what's this?" I turned my head in dramatic slow motion to see my ten year old charge holding a vibrator.

Now, as you can imagine, I handled the situation very well.

Me: *falls off couch* OMIFUuUuU---- WHERE IN GOD'S NAME DID YOU GET THAT?!!

J: I found it.

Me: FOUND IT? You don't just FIND things like that!!

J: I did. I found it in mommy's underwear drawer.

Me: (At this point I had to restrain myself from doubling over in hysterics) J... *holding back laughter* You shouldn't go.... *cough to conceal giggle* PUT IT BACK. NOW. And.... Um... WASH YOUR HANDS.

While he looked very confused, he nonetheless did what I told him and washed his hands. While he was doing so, I allowed myself to give in to the laughter which at that point was almost strangling me.

When he came back downstairs, I sat him on the bottom step and gave him a very stern lecture about going through his mother's things. Turns out, she had taken away Grand Theft Auto, and damn it, he didn't think it was fair. So, he assumed I was either a.) Easy enough to let him get away with it, or b.) Too stupid to notice. He was wrong.

Thankfully, in the end, I was saved by his own innocence. He asked me, "Emily, that wiener thingy takes batteries. Is it a weird flashlight?"

To which I replyed, "Yes child, yes it is."
Suure. Flashlight. Riiight.....

That was a fun conversation with his mother the next day.

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